walking

I remember the first day I went into Manhattan. Ben and I emerged from Penn Station and were immediately overwhelmed by the crowded, churning beehive of activity that is midtown. It was rush hour and about a million worker drones were rushing back to New Jersey just as we emerged - two country bumpkins with no idea how to walk in a crowd of people.

Since then, I’ve learned well the rules of walking the streets and can navigate even the meanest lengths of sidewalk without bumping into a single businessman or stepping on a single tourist toe.

Tips:

Know your slow walkers. First and foremost, you have to target the slow and weak walkers so that you can “switch lanes” early and pass them without having to slow down - and slowing down is never a good idea. Slow walkers range from the obvious (old people or women with strollers) to the less obvious (hipsters texting while walking, loose women wearing uncomfortable stilettos, people talking to imaginary entities).

Watch for obstacles. There are all sorts of things to trip on - and I’m not just talking about cracks in the sidewalk. I’m talking about crack addicts on the sidewalk.

Know your unpredictable walkers. Unpredictable walkers are much worse and more dangerous than slow walkers because slow walkers proceed in a straight line, whereas you never know what an unpredictable walker will do next. Beware the gaggle of high school girls. Beware the tourist who will stop without warning in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture of a building. And always beware the toddler, who, as we know, is not much more than a drunk.

Understand that businessmen don’t move an inch. Often in the city, you will be involved in a Showdown: the streets are crowded and there is someone walking towards you directly in your path - who will move? In most other places in the world, both of you would compromise and move a foot or so in either direction. In New York, however, you are given about ten seconds to sum up the other person’s personality and to decide whether they will move or whether you will be pushed unceremoniously into oncoming traffic. Businessmen don’t budge. Women who blowdry their hair don’t budge. Workers wearing reflective vests don’t budge. Big dogs don’t budge.

Watch for cars. In most places, cars will stop for pedestrians. This is not one of those places. In fact, I would recommend watching out for cars even when on the sidewalk. You never know.

Understand that the whole game changes when it is raining. Rain in New York means millions of people carrying around huge, sharp umbrellas. And having an umbrella open over your head seems to give people the right to not look where they are going and to ignore your personal space. Whereas a normal walk in the city would involve goals such as not running into anyone or getting really angry, a rainy day walk only has one goal: the keep your eyeballs from being poked out by the unnecessarily huge golf umbrella that that woman who obviously doesn’t play golf is carrying.