valentine's day

Valentine’s Day falls into a very specific set of unfortunate holidays I like to classify as Days You Very Well Might Receive a Gift Or Card From Someone When You Have Nothing To Give Them In Return. Other holidays that fit into this category range from Christmas (”No, you shouldn’t have!”) to St. Patrick’s Day (”No, you really, really shouldn’t have.”)

These people might be friends, co-workers, acquaintances, neighbors – all with cellophaned cookies or candy hearts or, God Forbid, valentines. They hand you your gift, look at you, smile, and then comes the uncomfortable interminable moment where they figure out you don’t have anything for them in return.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I love getting things. But I’m also a somewhat cheap, very lazy, utterly unorganized person. I am not the girl in your office who arrives on Valentine’s Day in a pink sweater with individually wrapped and labeled homemade chocolate-dipped strawberries for everyone on the floor, possibly along with some kid-themed cardboard cut-out valentines like the kind you used to fill out in fifth grade. I’m more like the girl in your office who can’t even remember the name of the front desk secretary who has worked for the company for thirty years. Like so many other things in my life, it’s not because I’m mean, it’s because I’m stupid.

That’s why I prefer get-together and party-based holidays like Independence Day, Thanksgiving, and Halloween – holidays that focus on things like food and patriotism and goblins. Holidays that involve everyone you know gathering together and really celebrating. Sure, you have to bring something to the party or dress like a sexy janitor, but you don’t have to remember to give something to every single important person in your life, on the risk of forgetting someone and hurting their feelings. At this point, days like Christmas or Valentine’s Day really stress me out — there’s too much preparation and too many weird social rules to remember.

Lot s of times, it even seems to me that Valentine’s Day has devolved to the point that it’s not even about making the person you love happy, it’s simply about not disappointing them. More and more I see men sweating out V-Day like it’s some sort of romance gauntlet that they must survive without doing any serious damage to their relationship.

Other times, I feel like women almost torture their significant other by making men do uncomfortable things to prove their love: go to a fancy restaurant in uncomfortable clothes or buy something that they don’t know much about, like flowers or jewelry.
And it irks me to no end when people ask me what Ben did for me for Valentine’s Day. Would you ask me what he did for me on, say, Tuesday? Because on Tuesday he came home with a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza because we’d both had rough days. On Valentine’s Day, we don’t have anything planned (thanks for not asking).

But this isn’t about how good or bad my relationship is or about one-upping one another. It’s about changing the face of Valentine’s Day – maybe toward something more turkey- or firework-themed? Don’t be surprised when I don’t have raspberry-filled heart-shaped sugar cookies for you when hand me yours, but also don’t be surprised when you and I have a really wonderful Fourth of July together.

Entering our gym yesterday, Ben and I noticed a new sign taped on the door advertising a Valentine’s Day Sale in which you could get your sweetheart a membership and some private sessions for a reduced cost. We both thought this was odd and probably a bad idea - but assumed that it was an isolated case of a bad marketing idea. But - low and behold, my friend Brian also saw a similar sign at a different gym in a different borough.

I can see it now — men making this mistake all throughout New York City: “Hey honey! For Valentine’s Day I got you that gym membership that you’ve never mentioned you wanted!”

Now, don’t get me wrong: I can envision a situation in which this would be an acceptable V-Day gift. For example, if your girlfriend or wife already has a membership at said gym and the membership is about to expire, and if your girlfriend was also untraditional enough to want something practical for Valentine’s Day instead of, say, a pink talking stuffed dog.

However, for the most part, I think that this is a BAD gift idea for a woman on the most romantic of fake holidays. Why not just sit her down on Valentine’s Day and explain to her that you are no longer physically attracted to her? Why not just take out the middleman and break up with her?

Lord knows I’m no expert on women, but I’ve watched enough Lifetime Original Movies to understand that whatever you give her on Thursday better 1) be pink and heart-shaped and 2) not imply that she needs to put in some time on the treadmill.

Or have we misinterpreted this V-Day gym membership sale entirely? Are you supposed to get a gym membership for yourself, so that you improve your looks and stamina for your partner? I think that might be a little too abstract. Maybe we should stick to flowers and boxes of chocolates.

Of course, I should mention that Ben and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day - or we do, but only as a joke. I think last year we went to the grocery store and bought one of those giant heart-shaped cookies together and then ate way too much of it while watching TV. It was kind of gross.