trains

In the #10 spot for my countdown of Things I Won’t Miss About My Office Job, we have the dreaded New York Transit subway commute.

Each day I rise, get dressed, don my coat and head off to another thrilling 40-minute ride on the subway - the form of public transportation where you never wonder whether or not the platform will reek of urine, but only whether it will reek of fresh urine or stale urine. Where you never wonder whether or not you’ll get a seat, but only whether you will be jammed up against a subway car pole, an automatic door, or a complete stranger.

People tell me I should read a book, but I’m not sure they understand, as I’m usually too busy concentrating pretty hard on if those are lice in the little girls’ hair next to me or if they’re fleas. I mean, I thought lice were too small to see, but on the other hand I didn’t think fleas could crawl like that.

But there are ways to pass the time. Here are a few fun games that I’ll miss in a couple of weeks, when my commute will shrink to the much shorter, roomier, nicer smelling 50-foot walk between my bed and my couch.

Name That Smell! Is it animal, vegetable, mineral, or vagrant? Bonus points if you can figure out who specifically is producing the smell (hint: it’s usually either the guy who only has on one shoe or the guy who is wearing two shoes, but on his hands).

Count the seconds it takes after the doors open at the Lexington stop for someone to start yelling or shoving. You get bonus points if you can guess who starts yelling and shoving. You get super bonus points if you can make it past this stop during rush hour without feeling hatred for human kind.

Stare at the guy reading the new Victoria’s Secret catalog who is making a face as if he were actually reading the Financial Times. Stare at him so hard that he feels it, looks up and tries not to look embarrassed. Try not to suggest that that thong would not compliment his body type.

Count how many people are reading The Secret at any given time. Wonder to yourself how come not one of these people has become wildly successful enough by now not to take the subway.

Try small talking with the person sitting next to you. See how many sentences you get through before they either get up and move or swear at you.

See how quickly you can run away from the drunk guy peeing all over the place and staggering around the subway car. You don’t want to lose this game.