BROOD

One of our favorite weeknight activities is to curl up on the couch together, watch a dumb movie, and talk through the whole thing. Like any other writer nerds, we enjoy pointing out plot holes, unnatural characterization, bad lines of dialogue, and stupid character names. And like any other human on earth, we enjoy watching an utterly crappy film and spending two hours feeling superior to the writers, actors, and director.

Last night, though, we really struck gold with the teen horror-thriller Disturbia. Based on the Alfred Hitchcock classic Rear Window (but somehow sucking all traces of art out of it), Disturba follows the story of a guy who spies on all of his neighbors while under house arrest all summer long for punching his Spanish teacher. While spying, he 1) ogles the new girl next door and 2) discovers he’s living next door to a serial killer.

The girl next door, when she discovers he has been watching her undress for the last several weeks, immediately falls in love with him. As would any girl being stalked by a stranger, I would guess. The serial killer, who seems to kill someone every single night without raising suspicion, is ultimately caught by the main character even though no one believes him at first. The screenplay is obviously written by a couple of middle-aged dudes who understand neither romance or murder.

I won’t bore you with all of the hilarious details of the movie except to say that after viewing the film, I had extremely low-budget nightmares that were riddled with plot holes. And to say that you should rent this film if you’re looking to see a great bad movie.

No - the real horror of the night was visiting the IMDB website and reading the forum discussion about this movie, a forum which seems to be overrun with - yes! - teenagers! Who took this movie completely seriously! And the weird thing is, even though I’m in my mid-20s, I still often feel like a teenage and get confused when suddenly shown the thoughts of real, actual teenagers.

Let me tell you something, though: after reading the messages in this forum, I clearly understand that I am not a teenager. I am old. Soon, I will understand nothing and no longer be able to attend movies at all. The discussion threads include, but are not limited to:

1) A discussion on how Disturbia is a “total rip- off” of that Simpsons episode where Bart breaks his leg, spends the summer spying on his neighbors, and ultimately begins to believe that Flanders is a killer.
2) A discussion about how it’s okay is someone stalks you, as long as they are cute.
3) Several discussions about Spanish class and feeling like punching your Spanish teacher. Or how hard Spanish class is.
4) A discussion on how totally scary this movie is (not in relation to the lack of talent in the actors or the baffling dialogue).

What does it all mean? I know adults used to think that I was stupid when I was a teenager, but back then I thought that they were just ignorant and uncool. Am I now ignorant and uncool currently, or did I used to be an uneducated superficial brat? The fact that one of these two options has to be true is more than a little bothersome. You might even say it’s Disturbia-ing.