risks

(These are some adorable and hilarious candy hearts  my friend Hilary made for me to help me get through my last week - what Ben is calling my “victory lap.”)

Coming in at #6 in our Top Ten Countdown of things I won’t miss about my office job is… not having any control.

And mostly, I’m talking about my paycheck. There it is, every two weeks: the same amount of money, down to the cent. While people with families or other responsibilities might find this comforting, I find it really unmotivating and stifling.

Because the thing is, I could do a really, really crappy job this week - come in late, leave early, long lunches, shoddy spreadsheets, etc. Or I could do a really, really awesome job - stay after hours, skip lunch, be meticulous, not make personal phone calls, etc. And either way (or somewhere in the middle, where I usually end up), I get paid the exact same amount. Down. To. The. Cent.

There’s simply no reward for doing a good job. You could get a promotion (unlikely for my position) or you could get a raise (we saw how that went) or you could get some praise from your boss (praise pays exactly 0% of your rent). A smart person in my position would do the least amount necessary to keep their job. But that’s no way to live.

By freelancing, I get to make my own decisions about how much I make. If I want to work a grueling 12-hour day and make $500, I would be free to do that. Or, if I wanted to take a day off, I could, keeping in mind that I wouldn’t make a dollar. Even though I’m giving up the luxury of knowing exactly how much I’ll make in a day or a month, I’m also getting the luxury of being in control of how much I make.

The bottom line is that my actions will be reflected in the results. And that’s pretty important to my mental health and general outlook on life.

Again, as if there was indeed a force greater than just us humans, life tried to speak to me for the second time today. I applied for a freelance job today and heard back from the guy in literally under five minutes.

We met after work today at his offices and I’m hired. And here’s the force-greater-than-just-us-humans part: this one little project pays almost exactly to the dollar what my regular office job paycheck is.

It made me think, as I sat on the couch this evening and got to work on my new freelance assignment, what’s the difference between these two checks (other than the fact that one is for 80 hours of work and the other is for roughly 10 hours of work)?

The answer is that I truly dig it. I enjoy even the most boring of the creative non-fiction writing genres. I enjoy sitting on my couch with my lap top and cat and Ben typing away in the other room. I enjoy that with each new project I get to learn about a whole new subject and world. Oh, and I enjoy choosing which hours I work and whether or not to wear pants while I work.

And here’s the thing: even though I never ever, ever hear back from real full-time jobs that I apply to, I’ve gotten the last five out of five freelance gigs I’ve applied for. Again, capital-L Life is probably banging his head against his desk right now. (Life has his own desk, right?)

The tiny hitch lies in the fact that freelance work doesn’t come regularly. It’s risky. But I might be ready to take some risks after a year and a half of no surprises. Even if it means getting a second job as a clown or stripper or, if push comes to shove, the dreaded clown stripper.

I know this blog has gotten a little more journal-y than usual in the last few days, but this is all I can really think about. Tomorrow I promise I’ll write about something else. At least for one entry.