parents

In line at the grocery store tonight, there was a woman with a toddler standing in line beside me. The toddler was a girl in her terrible twos - she was having tons of fun taking candy from the checkout aisle and then putting it on the ground. The mom was busy trying to get the groceries on the belt and having trouble doing two things at once. I didn’t have anything better to do, so I asked the toddler about her Dora the Explorer mittens, which then turned in to a silly mitten game that I cannot explain the rules to.

The mom said, “Wow, you’re really great with kids,” and I smiled and went on my way. Little did she know that I, a former nanny, had unlocked the secret to rearing and controlling all toddlers, regardless of class, temperament, race, or location.  It is simply this: treat children as you would a drunk.

Think about it: toddlers can’t walk in a straight line. They cannot consistently find their nose when their eyes are closed. They struggle with the ABCs. If you are looking after a toddler and get distracted for a few moments, chances are the toddler has thrown up in a weird place.

Once I had this solitary commandment of toddler care down, nannying was a breeze. I simply started to pretend that my charge was nothing more than a friend who had a few too many and now needed my assistance. Anything that I couldn’t manage, I would just think, “How would I get my drunk friend to do this?”

Having trouble getting your toddler to cooperate? Distract them. They won’t remember a thing in five minutes.

Trying to stop your toddler from crying? Hold them close and say, “It’s okay, I’m here and I love you. You’ll feel better in the morning, and maybe we can make some omelets.”

Trying to get your toddler to put his pants back on? Deliver a short lecture mentioning the temperature and the general importance of pants. Then force the pants onto their legs while giving a nervous smile to passers-by.

Having trouble getting your toddler to bed? It’s okay, they will eventually pass out anywhere, sometimes in odd positions, often in the middle of sentences.

Trying to stop your toddler from driving a car? DO ANYTHING YOU CAN TO STOP THEM FROM DRIVING A CAR!

As you can see, I’ve thought this through and tested it extensively. Sure, the two aren’t exactly the same (I’ve never had to stop a toddler from hitting on my roommate, and I’ve never had to punish a drunk by taking away their Little Mermaid DVD except for that once) but I think it’s a valuable lesson for parents and nannies everywhere.