I know that I’ve solemnly vowed not to write about or make fun of Brit until she received proper medical attention or, at the very least, stopped acting bat-shit crazy.
However - and this is a big however - I simply can’t go on without saying something about her new paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib’s facial hair.
I mean this literally. Whenever I see his picture, I make this noise - a noise that is different from any other noise I produce, a noise that sounds kind of like when Chewbacca gets upset about something Han Solo has said. The noise is completely involuntary. The noise comes from a pain in my soul.
The thing that bothers me the most about the thing on his face is not that it’s the worst facial thing in history since Hitler. The thing that bothers me the most isn’t that it looks like a prank that someone pulled with a permanent marker while Adnan Ghalib was napping. The thing that bothers me most is not that no matter how hard I search the internet for a picture of how far the thing goes down his neck, I cannot locate one.
No! The thing that bothers me the most is that it looks like he puts painstaking time and effort into it, day after day after day after day. That each morning he wakes and thinks to himself, time to make that thing on my face just perfect for the ladies! As if he knows of the soul-noise I make and takes pleasure in that noise.
Some people said that Britney Spears hit rock bottom when she shaved her head. Others put forth that she finally lost it when she was carted out of her house on a stretcher. But in my mind those small dramas were all leading up to this terrible final tragedy: the small moment that she first kissed Adnan Ghalib, her bottom lip grazing the perfectly manicured and possibly gelled thing on his face.
If you want to look at the bright side of this, I think it would be that facial things like Adnan Ghalib’s facial thing make it easier for us to pinpoint and avoid some of the most utterly creepy and super-sketchy guys out there. That is, if the half-unbuttoned shirt and wrap-around glasses didn’t tip you off first.
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