The First Shots Fired

My satellite has a children’s songs channel that I crank to the max and leave on when I leave the house. that usually takes care of neighbours.

OH!!! Borrower a recorder (or other instrument, maybe a percussion instrument) and pretend to learn to play it.

Benjamin also has a good idea, or find another channel such as rap or heavy metal and do the same. If there’s one that still plays holiday music…

Oh the fun you can have with this.

three words!!! MINDLESS SELF INDULGENCE.

(it’s a band) My favorite song is “2 hookers and an 8 ball”

We had upstairs neighbors once that played country music very loudly every time they got drunk, which was frequent, and it would start in the morning. We did the “please turn it down” thing, we called the landlord, still nothing. We should have just called the cops, but she had enough problems.

I would turn on our sound system and play screechy industrial music. I’m not sure they could hear it over their own noise, but it made me feel better temporarily.

I suggest signing her up for a few subscriptions to embarrassing, inane, insulting, or otherwise suggestive mail order catalogs, like knitting and Bonsai cultivating. They’ll probably want her phone number, but they don’t usually check on those, so make up a good one. My suggestion is to do this via phone once you’ve found the catalogs online you want to get for her — its a little less traceable that way.

Maybe you should knock on the door the next time its annoying like you did before and when she opens this time, say something like: “Look, you’ve been at it for two years, and you’re not getting any better. I know it, you know it, the whole building knows it. Just admit it to yourself and move on with your life. Give it up and give us some peace, already.” If she hasn’t slammed the door in your face yet, you could add, “I think maybe cello might not be your thing, or whatever other instrument you’ve strangled for the two years we’ve lived here and said nothing through those endless torturous hours, praying you would get better. I’m sure you could find a shop that buys used instruments.”

Mindless Self Indulgence would definitely do the trick. Putting loud, obnoxious music on and leaving for hours will be a grand opening sally.

Karaoke Night.

The day you move, put an open jar of crickets in whatever vents the apartments share.

I’ll be the third vote for Mindless Self Indulgence! I still have a couple of their records from high school.

Also, Insane Clown Posse.

death metal. lots and loud.

Or, following my friend Dusty from the eighth grade, he once played “Please pass the milk please” from TMBG’s “Fingertips” off of Apollo 18.

After four hours, the neighbors wanted charges filed.
After six, they thought they’d gone insane.

death metal. lots and loud.

Or, following my friend Dusty from the eighth grade. During a summer event, he played “Please pass the milk please” from TMBG’s “Fingertips” off of Apollo 18 for 8 hours at full blast out of the window of the dorm room he was staying in.

I’m always a fan of doing things people can’t complain about. You know, the old fight fire with fire.

Play some intstruments — a friend has to have a clarinet (me?) or a tuba, or something neither of you has any idea how to play.

Can the neighbor actually come over and complain when you are doing exactly what they do? Tell them you’re laying down some awesome new age tracks. If they ask if they can help, explain to them that you’ve heard them play and they just don’t have the innate comprehension of music that you do.

Do they have a pet? I once called the SPCA and complained that my neighbour was abusing his dog. They sent an inspector. After that, he stopped complaining about my music.

Well, this is probably taking it too far, but my uncle works as a reference librarian, and he once looked up pranks for a bunch of kids. This is the best one he came up with (and no, I don’t know how you’d pull it off, just sit back and imagine for a moment how great it would be if you did):

Buy a can of shaving cream. Freeze it. Using metal shears, cut off the can. You will be left with a solid shaving cream mass.

Place this small, can-sized mass in the bathroom, living room, or (preferably) car of the offending neighbors - a place they won’t be returning to for a few hours. As the shaving cream melts, the compressed air will be released. One can is plenty to fill up an entire car.

Ok. Maybe this would be illegal. But I have been fantasizing about it since I was twelve.

I am in absolute love with Patrick’s suggestion!

I agree with Chris- Karaoke Night!

Also, I REALLY liked your idea you mentioned in a previous post where you talked about putting a post-it note on their door that said, simply, “TUBA!”

But I think, to really make your point, maybe do multiple ones- each with a different (badly played) instrument listed on it…and maybe branch out and use creative adjectives to describe their playing.
I don’t know if it would be better to just put them there all at once, or space them out- one one day, 2 another, etc…that might have more of a psychological impact…

I’d cut out the following letters from random magazines :

You’re Next

and tape them to a bunch of pictures of broken cellos.

you can order skunk oil online for $8. -http://www.cabelas.com/cabelas/en/templates/product/standard-item.jsp?_DARGS=/cabelas/en/common/catalog/item-link.jsp_A&_DAV=froogle&id=0004712415446a&navCount=2&podId=0004712&parentId=&masterpathid=&navAction=push&catalogCode=QX&rid=&parentType=&indexId=cat20096

I’d be afraid of meeting their noise with more noise if you’ve got some poor soul on the other side of you.

Although their not exes, you can try http://www.getrevengeonyourex.com
I think a dead fish in the mail will do the trick.

With Liana’s idea, could you slide the note under the door?

I like Maya’s idea. Everytime they start to “play”, go over and ask them to stop. If they continue, go over again. Repeat until they finally stop or become enraged.

You play movies, music, chat on the phone or with Ben, etc. as loud as you want. When the evil neighbors eventually come over to complain, look through the peep hole, and then walk away without saying anything. Ignore any subsequent knocks.

Nothing incredibly mean, but you will sure drive them crazy.

Great situation! It would suck if you had to live there for another year, but since you’re leaving, you can (nay, NEED to) turn this into a social experiment that we can all learn from.

Assuming you live in a packed-together apt complex (is there any other kind in Queens?), then retaliatory attacks are likely to cause collateral damage and piss off other neighbors, and most of the time, attacks results in escalating sound/smell/magazine wars ending with stolen/vandalized shit and really bad vibes - not good. Best to avoid being passive/aggressive, too.

I like Alison/Maya’s idea of just asking her to stop every time you hear her play. If you’re polite about it, I don’t think she’d have any grounds to complain, and since she plays the freaking cello, I assume she’s not the type to get aggressive w/ you. Sooner or later, she’ll offer a compromise, which you don’t have to accept since you’re leaving in a month. Now’s your chance to be unreasonably assertive, just to see if such an approach works.

You know, my downstairs neighbour frequently runs his motorcycle in the house, filling my apartment with exhaust fumes. I would take a cello over that any day.

Dijeridoo. Slide flute. Air horn. Buy an old food processor at a junk store. Chop nuts and bolts. Drink cheap beer, record the farts; rebroadcast at high volume. Tape loop Peter Griffin laughing. Set alarm clocks to go off at different hours, Leave town. Buy battery-operated smoke alarms, put weak 9V batteries in them, let them chirp forever.

Get lots of bubble wrap (with the big bubbles), invite some friends over, and start popping. Sadly, I can’t really take credit for this idea because I got it from a crazy former roommate would pop bubble wrap in the middle of the night as a nervous habit. She would also stand in my doorway and stare at me until I realized she was there. While I’m at it, she would also secretly draw Kama Sutra-esque illustrations and leave them on her desk. Freak.

My other idea is to record the shitty cello/tuba/etc playing and play it back very, very loudly. Maybe she’ll realize how terrible she is, too.

If you think all cello players are “mellow”, I have one word for you: Apocalyptica.

That bow is a ranged weapon.

I recommend sliding a CD of good cello music under their door with a note that says “This is what its supposed to sound like.” or “Get Better Soon”. Or better yet, no CD at all, just a note that says “You better hope God is deaf or you’re going to Hell.”

hahaha Chartreuse that’s awesome.

Or maybe “God has repented that he didn’t give you the gift of music when you were born. Please give him Peace and honor him some quieter way, he’s tired of repenting for his sins.”

i think you should murder them.

So glad the writing is going well. Good for you.

Next time you and Ben go out for dinner or leave for a week end turn on the TV real loud and leave.

Send her adress to as many annoying advertising outfit so her mailbox gets cloged everyday.

Put all the meat and fish leftovers you can find in your freezer. When you have enough put it in a box and hide it so that the smell only affects her and not you. Or just hide the box somewhere (ceiling in the hallway in front of her appartment maybe) when you move out as a parting present.

OK, They started this.
Now the gloves are off.
No BS. Loud TV or music will only cause collateral damage and will be quickly sourced to your door i.e., = trouble you don’t need.
What you want is immediate, anonymous, up close and personal, honey sweet and black-as-night revenge. We’re talking 1-on-1 payback, freaking apocalyptic hit-man style, eyeball to unblinking eyeball, in close, shiv in the gut kind of revenge. Are we on the same page?
Got $3.95? Is that too much for a remote Rochambeau? And the good news is… you go first!!

Quit dicking around; go to —
http://www.liquidass.com/neighbor_revenge.html

That’s right! Liquidass… ‘for AssEffects that will have you feeling better in no time.’

Can you say ‘drip, drip in the mailbox’? A squirt in the keyhole and two squirts under the door?
Not all at once mind you. Make it last till you move out. Then push the shiv in deep and break off the blade.

Have a nice (quiet) work day.

Rock Band is made for this situation.

First time commenting on your blog Sarah, but this post made me click on the white patch.
My suggestions?

Seeing as they’re all Christiany-like:
Salt n Peppa - Let’s Talk About Sex. on repeat.

heehee.

NOTHING since the ‘first shot’. You’re killing use out here Take a few and satisfy the thirst of your readers!! Liquidass? Do we even want to know how he knew about this??

Right now I wish I had lots of freelance writing work on my table. I might have to get a job at Jo Anne’s fabric to eat this coming month. Say goodbye permanently to any shred of a good mood.

Wanna borrow my accordion?

Mindless Self Indulgence…are you serious? You are married to a Mixed Martial Arts afficionado, for goodness sake!

Whatever happened to good old-fashion persauasion?

If you play loud music…you will:

1. Make additional noise, that YOU will have to endure! Have you actually heard, 2 hookers and an 8 ball? Enough said!

2. Isolate and incite additional, adjoining neighbors, do you really want that?

3. Start an all out war of noise vs. noise and accomplish nothing!

4. The situation only escalates! And no, that’s not a SUV.

Send your husband over there an unleash him on the Tuba player…until he Taps-Out!

If you want to take out some of your agression…tag team the cello player. Problem solved!

It’s also an excellent work-out/stress relief routine. Skip the gym and celebrate the new-found silence @ dinner.

Back in the Day, we settled a litany of problems everyday during recess, instead of simply “brooding” about them (jk).

Sarah, Come back! I’m going to think your neighbors killed you!

UPDATE!

Maybe she actually fired shots.

But they have internet in the slammer!

Where’ve you been? Did the summer heat of NYC kill you?

HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

My name is sarah. look at me! I’m sooooooooooo busy

Sarah! Come back!