Refreshingly honest… at the Gap

I’ll admit it: for me, the Gap exists for one reason and one reason only: each time I am required to wear a sunny, bright, and wholly uninteresting dress to a wedding, I run in on Saturday morning, buy the first sunny, bright, wholly uninteresting dress I see, wear it to the wedding, and then return it on Sunday.

I’m not sure how evil this might be on the evil-o-meter, but it makes the most sense to me - I don’t wear sunny, bright, uninteresting dresses on any other occasion and it doesn’t make sense to drop $70 each on a collection of dresses that I’ll only wear once or twice. Plus, don’t they use child labor or something?

In any case, this morning I was at the Gap buying a dress for a wedding along with a delicate and wholly uninteresting cardigan since it’s somewhat cold today. I walked in, hastily tried it on over my pants (I’m nothing but class, if you haven’t noticed) and walked my outfit over to the cashier. Usually, they don’t say anything, but this girl - she saw right through me.

“Last minute wedding outfit. Good choice. Conservative but spring-y. Nice cardigan match. This dress was also popular the day before Easter.”

It was so refreshing. I was stunned. I decided to be refreshing back.

“Yeah, now I just have to make sure to drink $120 worth of drinks at the open bar to make up for it.”

And she took it a step further!

“I recommend martinis. They’re expensive and even if you spill, you can still return the dress without anyone noticing the stains.”

I don’t know how this girl has possibly held down her job at the Gap, but I’ve never been happier about a purchase. I pray that she is also working tomorrow when I return the dress so that I can ask her if I’m fat and get a straight answer.

In fact, it made me envision a world where the customer service everywhere was just as honest - like if for once I was in a restaurant and when I asked what was good there, the waitress didn’t say, ” I think everything’s good here!”

And maybe the new Gap commercial could just come out and say it: “At the Gap, you can fill all of your one-event needs for conservative but youthful attire. Looking to buy some khakis just for the weekend because you’re meeting your boyfriend’s republican parents for the first time? Need a dress for a wedding that won’t upstage the bride and that hides your tattoo? Need the perfect business casual linen button-down for your much-dreaded company picnic? Come on down! It’s like rummaging through the closet of someone just like you, except without the offensive personality!”