Can’t I, for once, get away with doing something embarrassing without getting caught for it? Is it a law, written in stone, that one cannot do stupid things without running into someone who will point it out, or, in my case, an entire group of people?
Here’s the deal:
I don’t eat too many dessert-type things these days. Even when I do, it’s usually in the form of a sugar-free low-fat pudding cup or a Kashi while grain oatmeal raisin excuse-for-a-cookie. Mostly, I am totally lame and increasingly old and increasingly responsible that way.
However, every once in a while, a feeling in me builds for a no-holds-barred out-of-control ice cream sundae. Something monumental. Something breathtaking.
One of these days was Sunday night. It had been kind of warm for the first time since spring began and while I was finishing up my work for the day, I heard the alluring sounds of the neighborhood ice cream truck that had been silent since September. I had an ice cream need.
By the time I had roused Ben to my cause the truck had left, so we made our way the short two blocks to the local Carvel. Once there, I ordered what turned out to be the biggest sundae the world has ever known. It was easily eight inches high, with the cherry perilously perched on top of the whole production as if the whipped cream around were high-altitude clouds - as if it should be pitching a flag.
The thing was huge. The thing was enormous. I had to carry it like a science project.
On the other hand, while my ice cream turned out to be much larger than we had imagined, Ben’s choice turned out to be much smaller than he wanted - his ice cream looked like it belonged in a doll house. Together — little me with my huge ice cream and huge Ben with his little ice cream — we headed home.
Then, though - then! - with only two blocks to hurry home - two! - we ran into some friends. And we never, ever run into friends in Queens. They seemed excited to see us, and I was mortified. There was Ben, looking overly fit and healthy with his child’s size scoop pinched between two fingers, and me looking like a glutton. I didn’t know what to do, so I did what naked people do in the movies: I took my tiny hand and tried to cover as much of the sundae as I could, which wasn’t much at all. It was a sad effort.
Then someone pointed it out and I laughed it off.
Then someone pointed out how small Ben’s ice cream selection was in relation to mine and I laughed it off.
Then we hurried home and I ate the whole thing, as if I were destroying the evidence.
The point, though, is that I can’t ever seem to do anything embarrassing without someone else finding out about. Just once, can’t I fall down without someone being there to see? Just once, can’t I eat an enormous dessert in peace? Perhaps while crying a little?
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March 19, 2008 at 7:08 am
Kemo
“The thing was huge. The thing was enormous. I had to carry it like a science project.” I love it!
But to answer your question, “Yes, it IS a Law of Science”. You have just crossed swords with the Second Law of Individual Farces. That law states that the sum of all the individual farces, or the “Fnet” farce, equals the total magnitudes of all the individual farces (Find.), if in fact they are known and measurable. One can learn how to determine the magnitudes of all the individual farces if the mass and acceleration of the embarrassing object (in your case the Ice Cream Sunday) are known. The three major equations which will be useful are the equation for:
1. “net” farce (Fnet = m*a),
2. the equation for gravitational farce (Fgrav = m*g), (falling down,
droping stuff, etc)
3. and the equation for frictional farce (Ffrict = “mu”*Fnorm).
The process of determining the value of the individual farces acting upon an embarrassing object involve an application of the Law of Individual Farces ’s second law (Fnet=m*a) and an application of the meaning of the net farce. If mass (m) and acceleration (a) are known, then the net farce (Fnet) can be determined by use of the equation.
Fnet = m * a
So, if the numerical value for the net farce and the direction of the net farce is known, then the value of all individual farces can be determined and will catch you every damn time!
March 19, 2008 at 7:15 am
April
You’re missing out on the drive-thru experience out there in the big city.
But I can also tell you that having unlimited access to Wendy’s chocolate frosties is not always a good thing. In fact, it’s a great thing.
March 19, 2008 at 11:20 am
emily
I wouldn’t worry about it! I’m sure they were secretly thinking - “gee, look at that awesome figure Sarah has and she eats ice cream sundaes bigger than her head! Lucky bitch.”
and btw, loved the science project analogy.
March 19, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Natalie
I hope you know that if I ever run into you carrying a giant dessert on the streets of our neighborhood, I will never, ever judge you. Actually, I take that back: I will judge you positively.
March 19, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Monica
I agree with Natalie, but I have had plenty of these moments, so I feel your pain.
Just let your freak flag FLY!
March 20, 2008 at 7:46 am
Liana
Hmmmm…..ice cream sundae…..
March 20, 2008 at 10:28 am
Your Brother
The Irony is that you have stories where people didn’t catch you, but then you told others.
i.e. - the clogged toilet babysitting story?
I’ll leave it at that.
March 25, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Greg
If anyone paid even slight attention to my commenting tendencies on Ben and Sarah’s blogs (I’m sure they don’t), they would notice that I will will go for a week or two without checking them, then when I get bored at work I catch up and read two week’s worth of entires in one shot and comment on my favorites.
As this is not my blog and no one logged on to read my ramblings, I’ll get on with it…
I can almost feel the awkward tension in the meeting with your… friends, but I’m sure it wasn’t due to any negative judgments on your enormous ice cream. I would bet that it was more closely related to the inadequecy they felt by failing to come up with anything clever and funny to say in the presence of greatness. I might also attribute some strange vibes to the envy felt by everyone who was not holding the World’s most amazing ice cream sundae.
I wouldn’y worry too much about it.
March 26, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Arlene
Next time just buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and pig out in secret in a darkened room like the rest of us.
Americone Dream is quite delicious.