One of our favorite weeknight activities is to curl up on the couch together, watch a dumb movie, and talk through the whole thing. Like any other writer nerds, we enjoy pointing out plot holes, unnatural characterization, bad lines of dialogue, and stupid character names. And like any other human on earth, we enjoy watching an utterly crappy film and spending two hours feeling superior to the writers, actors, and director.
Last night, though, we really struck gold with the teen horror-thriller Disturbia. Based on the Alfred Hitchcock classic Rear Window (but somehow sucking all traces of art out of it), Disturba follows the story of a guy who spies on all of his neighbors while under house arrest all summer long for punching his Spanish teacher. While spying, he 1) ogles the new girl next door and 2) discovers he’s living next door to a serial killer.
The girl next door, when she discovers he has been watching her undress for the last several weeks, immediately falls in love with him. As would any girl being stalked by a stranger, I would guess. The serial killer, who seems to kill someone every single night without raising suspicion, is ultimately caught by the main character even though no one believes him at first. The screenplay is obviously written by a couple of middle-aged dudes who understand neither romance or murder.
I won’t bore you with all of the hilarious details of the movie except to say that after viewing the film, I had extremely low-budget nightmares that were riddled with plot holes. And to say that you should rent this film if you’re looking to see a great bad movie.
No - the real horror of the night was visiting the IMDB website and reading the forum discussion about this movie, a forum which seems to be overrun with - yes! - teenagers! Who took this movie completely seriously! And the weird thing is, even though I’m in my mid-20s, I still often feel like a teenage and get confused when suddenly shown the thoughts of real, actual teenagers.
Let me tell you something, though: after reading the messages in this forum, I clearly understand that I am not a teenager. I am old. Soon, I will understand nothing and no longer be able to attend movies at all. The discussion threads include, but are not limited to:
1) A discussion on how Disturbia is a “total rip- off” of that Simpsons episode where Bart breaks his leg, spends the summer spying on his neighbors, and ultimately begins to believe that Flanders is a killer.
2) A discussion about how it’s okay is someone stalks you, as long as they are cute.
3) Several discussions about Spanish class and feeling like punching your Spanish teacher. Or how hard Spanish class is.
4) A discussion on how totally scary this movie is (not in relation to the lack of talent in the actors or the baffling dialogue).
What does it all mean? I know adults used to think that I was stupid when I was a teenager, but back then I thought that they were just ignorant and uncool. Am I now ignorant and uncool currently, or did I used to be an uneducated superficial brat? The fact that one of these two options has to be true is more than a little bothersome. You might even say it’s Disturbia-ing.
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March 5, 2008 at 4:29 pm
April
Oh man, I saw this in the THEATER!
It was one of my favorite terrible movies of 2007.
And I genuinely feel that one can’t fully appreciate the good without watching crap like this and Stay Alive.
March 5, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Diana
“You might even say it’s Disturbia-ing.”
NICE!!!
I know what you mean. It’s a harsh day when you realize that you’ve jumped from one age group into another. You’re not the only one that feels this way. Sometimes I try to pinpoint the exact moment I started thinking rationally about EVERYTHING and what triggered it. It’s hard to believe that I used to think that I was going to let my future daughter have her boyfriend stay the night at our house or standing outside in the “ghetto” after dark was perfectly safe. I don’t even drive through the bad parts of town after 5pm anymore and I’ve figured out that I don’t have enough of a grasp on myself to have kids.
It’s good to grow and become more aware but sometimes the 17 y/o inside of me says, “Uh, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.”, and I start to feel sick to my stomach while chanting, “Holy crap, Kyle! I’m 27 years old! How did that happen?” Regular coke turns into diet, sour cream turns into low-fat sour cream, fries turn into a side salad, and then pretty soon you realize that 40 is now only 13 years away as opposed to the 20 some years you had to get there. Today’s blog is a bummer, man, a real bummer.
March 5, 2008 at 4:48 pm
emily
HAHA - that Simpsons reference killed me! SO SAD
I learned this ye olde lesson a couple years ago on Halloween, a holiday when you’d think dressing up as characters from TV and movies would make you immature. My boyfriend and I went to a haunted house (with April & Ben) as Twin Peaks characters (I was Laura wrapped in plastic, Scott was Agent Cooper.) Every person there besides us was under the age of 18 and kept asking us WHO ARE YOU? and when we told them we just got a HUH? Where is Twin Peaks?
So this past year, we dressed up as Grace & Jimmy from Rear Window and decided to have the party at our house with people our age and older.
March 5, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Janet
When I was 10 I asked my aunt, who graduated college in 1973, if she knew who Tina Turner was. Young people aren’t all that bright. The issue is whether they ever grow up.
March 5, 2008 at 6:40 pm
the mother hen
Well you aren’t ignorant or uncool, so it must be the other option…sorry. I have teens in my house I know I’m old.
March 6, 2008 at 8:07 am
Liana
Boo. I actually wanted to see that movie. I think I’ll probably rent “Rear Window” instead.
I, like you, often still feel like a teenager…and also, wonder if I was ever as silly and stupid as today’s teenagers….and I always come to the sad conclusion that, indeed, I was. Also possibly- probably- uncool, but then I’ve pretty much always been that!
Also- since I’m commenting on March 6, Happy Birthday Sarah!!!
March 6, 2008 at 5:41 pm
joe
Sounds like a remake of Body Double.
Have you seen these films?
Dolomite - Rudy Ray Moore in the title role as a black gangster let out of prison to frame-up another black gangster. Wooden acting; wonderful shots of black neighborhoods in Oakland, circa -71. So bad it’s great.
Barton Fink - Coen Bros story of a Hollywood screenwriter in the Nathanial Hawthorne era. Great John Goodman performance.
Bonnie And Clyde Just bought this on VHS at Goodwill, 50 cents. One of the greatest crime-spree movies ever. Faye Dunaway=hot. Bloody. Snappy dialogue.
C.H.U.D. Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Toxic waste doesn’t just lower property values, it lowers humanity into the sewers where they prey on passersby. Also with John Goodman.
They Live - Odd vehicle for former WWA performer Rowdy Roddy Piper. He can see things others can’t when he puts on the special sunglasses. It’s all a huge fix and Big Brother is at the controls. Wierdly engrossing.
Face In The Crowd - You’ll never look at Andy Griffith the same way. A hillbilly becomes a media giant and populist hero only to be revealed for the fraud he really is. (not based in any way on Rush Limbaugh, go figure)
Bob Roberts - Tim Robbins playing a similar role as a guitar-playing homespun presidential candidate who runs a crooked campaign, incites evil in his followers and turns out to be a sham.
Incredible Lightness Of Being - a misogynistic Czech doctor cuts a swath through Prague, realizes how meaningless life really is as a rolling stone and comes back to the woman who really loves him. Absolutely the best ending of any love story, this one just plain makes sense.
Das Boot - second on the list of great endings. Nazi submariners learn a lot about themselves when confronted with hopelessness. They persevere through comradeship and courage, yet all is for naught. A sympathetic look at the bad guys, who are also human.
LeMans - Steve McQueen burns rubber and then some. Features the awesome Porsche 917K 12-cylinder racecar and incredible audio of it barrelling down the Mulsanne straightaway at 245 MPH, setting lap speed records that have yet to be broken. The perfect antidote to Ford GT40 racing fans who won’t shut up.
Not a film, but…
Trailer Park Boys - a Canadian TV comedy about some guys who live in the Sunnydale Trailer Park in Nova Scotia and all the hijinx they can get into in thirty minutes. I’m not going to even pretend it’s highbrow, but damn funny. That chick from Juno is in a couple episodes.
And I must add: She is also in a dark movie called Hard Candy, which is about the most disturbing thing I’ve seen recently.
She plays a young teen who gets cyber-stalked by an older man. They meet and the creepyness ensues; first on his part and then on hers.
She’s definitely NOT the girl he thought he was getting…
I almost had to stop watching it two different times for two completely different reasons.
March 6, 2008 at 5:50 pm
joe
Oh crap! I meant Nathanial West! You knew that, right? Hollywood was not too happening in 1840, but affordable.