I Hate Cubicles

Number Eight in the list of Top Ten Things I Won’t Be Crying Over When I Leave Work For Good Next Week: my cubicle.

Here’s my beef with cubicles: they don’t DO anything. They are a representation of something that does not function in any way that the thing that it represents functions. It’s like being on a movie set - let’s say of NASA mission control - and trying to coordinate a launch of a real, actual spaceship from said movie set. Sure, it looks like it could work, but it certainly wouldn’t. Astronauts would die.

In the case of the cubicle, a cubicle wall looks a lot like a regular wall, but accomplishes very few things that real, actual walls accomplish.  In other words, cubicles are not only almost completely useless, but they also remind you of how great walls that work are.

So - what are the great things that walls do every day for us? First off, they keep out sound to a large extent. Secondly, they prevent people on the other side of the wall from seeing what you’re up to. Thirdly, they often go all the way up to the ceiling. Why are walls good things to have in offices? Because they create quiet, pleasant work environments with minimal distractions and maximum privacy. Not only are you able to work without being bothered, but can also work without worrying that you are bothering someone else.

Where do cubicles fit into this wall-based workspace strategy? Nowhere, as far as I can tell. They block no sounds from the cubicles around you - you can hear phone calls, eating noises, even when someone is scratching their skin with their nails (worst sound ever). They also don’t block anyone from seeing what you’re doing - anyone who walks by gets a gander at whatever you’re doing (in this case, updating my personal blog during office hours). If anything, they make you think you have privacy when in fact you do not - a three-sided cubicle does not make it okay to pick your nose three-fourths of the time.

Sure, cubicle walls accomplish one or two things that real walls do. You can tack up kitty pictures onto both, for example. But kitty pictures mean surprisingly little when you are listening to your evil cube mate planning her tacky wedding while chewing gum and scratching the skin on her arm.

In the end, my beige cubicle walls do little more than mock me and my lack of real walls, all day long. At least in open workspaces, you don’t feel like everyone is pretending like they’re not working a lame box - a box that doesn’t even come near to the ceiling.

My new home office is, on the other hand, going to be totally sweet. Not only does it have real walls (and even doors!) but it also has a couch and TV and stereo. And I can write off the square footage of my new office on my taxes.