In line at the grocery store tonight, there was a woman with a toddler standing in line beside me. The toddler was a girl in her terrible twos - she was having tons of fun taking candy from the checkout aisle and then putting it on the ground. The mom was busy trying to get the groceries on the belt and having trouble doing two things at once. I didn’t have anything better to do, so I asked the toddler about her Dora the Explorer mittens, which then turned in to a silly mitten game that I cannot explain the rules to.
The mom said, “Wow, you’re really great with kids,” and I smiled and went on my way. Little did she know that I, a former nanny, had unlocked the secret to rearing and controlling all toddlers, regardless of class, temperament, race, or location. It is simply this: treat children as you would a drunk.
Think about it: toddlers can’t walk in a straight line. They cannot consistently find their nose when their eyes are closed. They struggle with the ABCs. If you are looking after a toddler and get distracted for a few moments, chances are the toddler has thrown up in a weird place.
Once I had this solitary commandment of toddler care down, nannying was a breeze. I simply started to pretend that my charge was nothing more than a friend who had a few too many and now needed my assistance. Anything that I couldn’t manage, I would just think, “How would I get my drunk friend to do this?”
Having trouble getting your toddler to cooperate? Distract them. They won’t remember a thing in five minutes.
Trying to stop your toddler from crying? Hold them close and say, “It’s okay, I’m here and I love you. You’ll feel better in the morning, and maybe we can make some omelets.”
Trying to get your toddler to put his pants back on? Deliver a short lecture mentioning the temperature and the general importance of pants. Then force the pants onto their legs while giving a nervous smile to passers-by.
Having trouble getting your toddler to bed? It’s okay, they will eventually pass out anywhere, sometimes in odd positions, often in the middle of sentences.
Trying to stop your toddler from driving a car? DO ANYTHING YOU CAN TO STOP THEM FROM DRIVING A CAR!
As you can see, I’ve thought this through and tested it extensively. Sure, the two aren’t exactly the same (I’ve never had to stop a toddler from hitting on my roommate, and I’ve never had to punish a drunk by taking away their Little Mermaid DVD except for that once) but I think it’s a valuable lesson for parents and nannies everywhere.
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January 30, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Ellen G
Hi Sarah,
I click on to your blog sometimes from plans and this is the first one I’ve a) read out loud to my S.O. and b) laughed out loud at several times.
Very well done!,
Ellen
January 31, 2008 at 12:08 am
Alison
So true so true!!
January 31, 2008 at 1:17 am
Elisabeth
Brilliant.
I also read your blog from plans, but this is the first time I’ve commented.
- Elisabeth
January 31, 2008 at 1:40 am
Sarah B.
That had me laughing so hard I could barely breathe. Thank you.
January 31, 2008 at 2:57 am
Diana
“Deliver a short lecture mentioning the temperature and the general importance of pants.”
Bwahahaha!
January 31, 2008 at 7:43 am
Bipolarlawyercook
If you replace “Little Mermaid DVD” with “promising them that yes, they will meet Mr. Right SOON, but right now, it’s time to drink some water and go home,” then this list applies for me as well.
January 31, 2008 at 7:51 am
Kemo
Ahhhh! feels good being back in your element huh?
January 31, 2008 at 8:56 am
April
I’m printing this out for refrigerator art.
January 31, 2008 at 9:09 am
Lindsay
Love it! I have a 3 year old girl and I too use this method, but you missed one important thing toddlers and drunks alike love… music. Yes music equals dancing, all you do is put on one of those catchy dance songs (kylie minogue - Can’t get you outta my head is always great for both) and what ever the toddler and drunk were into, crying about or hitting on are quickly forgotten.
January 31, 2008 at 10:46 am
Kay
OMG!!!! I have a 16-year-old son and a 1-year-old daughter (I know, I know, what was I thinking?!), and YOU’RE SO RIGHT about distracting them like drunks!
I laughed my rear end off reading this.
January 31, 2008 at 11:56 am
Emily
And then there was the time you combined drinking and thinking about childcare, with the following results (aren’t you glad I never forget anything) :
“Trite Tripe”
By “seaswell” (boston, MA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Richard Scarry’s Best Counting Video Ever ! (VHS Tape)
i do not agree that richard scarry has produced the best counting video ever. in fact, i find the video offensive and poorly done. the characters are one-sided and non-human. the songs are passionless, the bunnies are poor actors, and i find the farmer creepy. also, since my son has begun watching this video, he has voiced to me that he believes that he is a bunny himself, and that i am a mommy bunny. this must be stop. i believe that richard scarry has a hidden agenda, and that my son has fallen victim to this agenda. i would also like to bring to your attention that i suspect that the main character bunny is addicted to drugs. the next time that you view the film, look in her eyes! are these the types of role models that you want for your children?
i would rather my child not learn to count to twenty at all than to be subjected to this video.
http://www.amazon.com/review/product/B00005QFDZ/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_next_5?%5Fencoding=UTF8&pageNumber=5
January 31, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Anonymous
So true!
Why is it bad when mommies say these things, but it’s totally cool for ex-nannies to say it?
February 1, 2008 at 8:54 am
Jessica
Ellen G. passed this on to me - Love it! As the mom of a 4 year old I’m in complete agreement with the toddler=drunk formla. The one good thing about toddlers: you rarely have to hold their hair while they puke…
And I hope Anonymous meets more moms who can say these things and be cool — we are out there! and we’re going to be heard. Mommy Zombies Beware!!
February 5, 2008 at 6:52 pm
the milk maid
OMG- This is the funniest thing ever! I actually applied this in the grocery store with my 16 m.o. and my 9 year old (yup- works just as well on pre-teens) yesterday! Brilliant- whooo! Cheers~ The Milk Maid
February 16, 2008 at 10:03 am
Cindy
I love it! With my 2 and 3 year old, they also like to “hide,” similar to when a drunk disappears from you and when you find them, you get this big ol’ grin and find what they’ve been up to!
Thanks for the morning smile!